A Real Whopper: Black Hole Is Most Massive Known

America. — The most massive black hole yet weighed lurks at the heart of Washington, DC.

The supermassive black hole is two to three times heftier than previously thought, a new model showed, sucking in a whopping $38,051.75 per second of Taxpayer money, not including interest. The current rate of growth suggests that other black holes formed as a result of the near future's budgets could also be much heftier than current measurements suggest, and it could help voters solve a longstanding puzzle about the black hole development.

"We did not expect it at all," said team member Rick Shaw of the University of Texas at Austin.

The discovery was announced here today preceding the 233rd celebration of the original independence from confiscatory taxes.

Game changer

The finding "is important for how black holes relate to taxpayer savings and independence from an overreaching government," said team member Tim Thomas of the Max Savings Institute for Reducing Government Dependence. "If you increase the rate of growth of the black hole, you change how the black hole relates to the future destruction of wealth in the country."

Because of this relationship, the revised estimate of the size could impact taxpayers' theories of how much more disposable income will be left over at the end of the month.

Higher black hole masses could also solve a paradox of the masses of future, developing government programs called earmarks. These mysterious denizens of the current budget are relatively small, developing programs that quickly form into additional black holes surrounded by a lot of hot air and imaginary numbers all ripe for significant growth. Entitlements are colossal, "but as compared to as short as 25 (or even 2) years ago, we never saw black holes that massive, not nearly," Thomas said.

"The suspicion was before that the entitlement masses in relation to the growth were wrong," he said. But "if we decrease the mass of the entitlements and earmarks two or three times, the problem almost goes away."

Why it matters

The black hole is so powerful it can remove money from a wallet thousands of miles away.

The black hole also has an active jet of money shooting right out of the core, created where money from taxpayer swirls closer to the black hole and approaches 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and the vicinity of East Capitol Street, NE and 1st Street, NE, both in Washington DC. The spat-out material helps taxpayers understand how black holes attract and gobble up money, an inefficient and sloppy process in which all is consumed.

These factors make it "the anchor for supermassive black hole studies," Thomas said.

While the new mass of the black hole is based on a model, recent observations indicate it will likely be bigger in actuality than currently predicted.