Posted on Fri, Jan. 04, 2008

BY DAVE BARRY

And so the eyeballs of the world turn to New Hampshire, a tiny, flinty, gritty, Dunkin' Donuts-intensive state located mostly inside the Arctic Circle. On Tuesday, the voters here will troop to the polls, where -- as they have done every four years since 1952 -- they will turn around and troop back home, because the polls, like virtually everything else here, are under 23 feet of snow.

But a few people, the truly flinty ones, will manage to actually vote, and they will determine the course of this presidential race -- and, yes, America's future -- for approximately two news cycles. Then the eyeballs of the world will turn to either North or South Carolina (nobody is sure which) and the people of New Hampshire will go back to their traditional flinty New England lifestyle of sitting around eating doughnuts and waiting for the August thaw.

The big story here right now is the Iowa caucuses, in which Iowans from both parties surprised the experts and sent a clear message to the candidates: ''Please get the hell out of Iowa.'' The political landscape has been severely shaken up. To help you understand what is going on, here's a summary of the situation, with key names and concepts in capital letters:

On the Democratic side, HILLARY CLINTON, who was the FRONT RUNNER based on her EXTENSIVE EXPERIENCE being married to her HUSBAND, BILL CLINTON, totally got pulverized in Iowa by BARACK OBAMA, who has been a U.S. SENATOR for like FIFTEEN MINUTES during which he acquired many NEW IDEAS such as CHANGE. Also he has a supporter named DICK HARPOOTLIAN, which has to be one of the best supporter names ever. JOHN EDWARDS, a MULTIMILLIONAIRE LAWYER who stands for POPULISM, faltered despite having the best HAIR. Both JOE BIDEN and CHRIS DODD dropped out of the race because they had, between them, a total of maybe one SUPPORTER, and he was no DICK HARPOOTLIAN. Remaining in the race because they are still HOPEFUL, meaning DELUSIONAL, are BILL RICHARDSON, MIKE GRAVEL (yes, ''MIKE GRAVEL'') and of course DENNIS KUCINICH, who will keep running until he is felled by a TRANQULIZER DART.

On the Republican side, the big Iowa winner was MIKE HUCKABEE, who believes in MORAL VALUES and lost 100 POUNDS and plays the BASS and has the support of CHUCK NORRIS, who has a HOT WIFE and can break down your FRONT DOOR using only his FOREHEAD. The big loser was MITT ROMNEY, who finished second despite having MONEY and ORGANIZATION and the second-best HAIR and an estimated FOUR HUNDRED ATTRACTIVE CLONE SONS. Finishing third was FRED THOMPSON, who has been on TELEVISION and also has a HOT WIFE, although political observers agree she is not as hot as CHUCK NORRIS' WIFE. (It is not known at this time whether DICK HARPOOTLIAN has a wife, and, if so, how hot she is.) Other names we should mention here in capital letters are JOHN McCAIN, RUDY GIULIANI, RON PAUL, DUNCAN HUNTER (yes, ''DUNCAN HUNTER'') and DICK HARPOOTLIAN.

So everything is up for grabs here in New Hampshire. The races in both parties are extremely tight -- or, as the old rustic New England saying goes, ''tighter than some kind of really tight rustic thing.'' The state is swarming with thousands of campaign workers, political consultants, pollsters, journalists, lunatics and Romney sons. The candidates are shaking every voter hand they can. Sometimes, in the dead of night, a voter will feel a strange sensation and wake up to realize that his or her hand is being shaken, right there in the bedroom, by a major presidential contender. This is why many New Hampshire residents lock their front doors at night, although of course that's no defense against the Huckabee campaign.

Yes, it's an exciting, historic time for New Hampshire. Over the next few days, I'll be ''on the scene'' here, bringing you daily, exclusive front-line campaign-insider reports obtained by reading newspapers. If it warms up, I may actually leave the hotel and try to find somebody to interview about something. But it would frankly be a lot more convenient if campaign insiders would just call me up. I'm talking to you, Dick.

Dave Barry will be writing columns daily from New Hampshire through Wednesday.