Jay Leno: "Today is Columbus Day, which means all the banks are closed. At least I think that's why they're closed."

Jay Leno: "But the good news" is that the "stock market went up over 900 points today. ... This is the best thing to happen to the John McCain campaign since -- actually, it's the first good thing to happen" to the McCain campaign.

Jay Leno: The average price of a gallon of gas is "now down to $3.30 a gallon. ... Remember $3.30 a gallon? That's the price you used to get outraged about a year ago."

David Letterman: "A lot of things on sale on Columbus Day. ... You can get a good deal on a dining room set, mattresses, General Motors."

David Letterman: President Bush "says he's going to tweak the financial package. ... That's like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu."

David Letterman: Bush "is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better soon. And I was thinking well sure, in three months he'll be out of office."

Conan O'Brien: "This weekend, the leaders of the world's richest countries got together to discuss the global economic meltdown. ... President Bush wanted to go to the meeting, but after last week the US is no longer one of the world's richest countries."